Phyuck

I LOVE THIS WOMAN

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship

holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam..

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress

is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands

to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties

and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man

and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I bought this hat yesterday!"

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in

Dublin, Ireland. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy

armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and

asked, "What man here will buy a woman a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the

end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter

and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She

turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,

revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy

a lady another drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar

and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me,

Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why

do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has

got to be a ballerina!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. 

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me.

Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”